Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Okey dokey.
this will hang in the louvre one day
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
how high up are we talkin’?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no