There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?