ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Same post same
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.