I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant