Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids