INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
You Might Also Like
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”