murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.