comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*puts my mental health in rice
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.