The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.