Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.