Oh, I bet you would be
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ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.