What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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Girl, same.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing