Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Yoga Matt
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?