Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
You Might Also Like
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
#ParentingFacts
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside