Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
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My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.