Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum