Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…