Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
No regrets in 2018
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”