i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.