*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.