Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.