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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
That took me a moment.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Money is the root of all wealth
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?