Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
When news reporters do sports stories
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Stick it to the man
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.