*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
can’t catch a break
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.