Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!