As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.