Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors donât actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says âokay Iâmma direct youâ and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, âThatâs great, bud, youâre directing so good!â
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promiâ
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: Alexa, why canât I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
âI love potatoes in my mouth!!â
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…Thatâs definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled âyourâ wrong.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
âThis is beyond the scope of the projectâ âme after I havenât understood how to do something
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but heâs got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
âI had been told what the side effects are⌠I donât love my job that much.â
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Didnât think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friendâs one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, âI kinda wanna domesticate a raccoonâ and he sincerely sighed and said, âI know, I worry about thatâ
When Iâm mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Autocorrect changed âspice things upâ to âslice things upâ and now my husband wonât come to bed.
Called it
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just canât reproduce.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I donât exercise
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too