Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!