The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand