wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
accurate
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out