Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Story of my life…..
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
A woman drives into a bar.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off