“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Bro what is this
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.