I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.