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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m giving up for Lent.