Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I want to meet the individual who made this
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You deplete me
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now