I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
#NoRestForTheWicked
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
And bowling should be called pinball
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.