me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.