[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it