My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.