Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Breaking news:
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.