My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
You Might Also Like
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Straight people are cancelled
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second