My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
What is going on? 😅
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance