My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
no one ever comes back
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
It’s an epidemic…
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say