Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
You Might Also Like
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now