To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Autocorrect completely socks
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]