I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
When you kidnap a writer.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.