me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Baking is just science you can eat.
haha same
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?