what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
new shirt idea
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.