A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
HERE’S MARKY
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.