My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
this is 10/10 content no notes
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself